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Treatment Planning and Action Steps Against Sibling Rivalry
As Christians, we are told to have “brotherly love” for one another. This brotherly love is understood as the closest version of platonic love. In the Gospels, Jesus asks the disciples to “love one another as brothers”. However, many brothers and sisters in the Bible did not treat each other with love. Consider the following:
Cain and Abel
Esau and Jacob
Rachel and Lea
Joseph and his older brothers
Moses and his half-siblings
With all the examples, there is no doubt that acting in brotherly love is a difficult challenge for anyone. Ask the parents of rival children to continue to instill in them a feeling of love which is not limited, which does not diminish with the number of children. And ask parents to be patient, sometimes feelings of jealousy and competition go away on their own over time.
Here are some things you can suggest to parents to help reduce or eliminate sibling rivalry.
Do not show favouritism.
Ask any son or daughter what their family’s favorite child is and you’ll get an answer. Favoritism between siblings offends and infects a child’s heart and leads to feelings of inferiority, anger, resentment and even bitterness. The biblical story of Esau and Jacob is a great example of how favoritism harms a family. We learn in the book of Genesis (25:28) that the boys’ father, Isaac, preferred Esau while the mother preferred Jacob. This led to deception between the parents and to Jacob stealing the birthright and blessing from Esau.
Most siblings are already very sensitive to the competitive aspects of their relationships with their siblings. More than wondering how good I am at this, they wonder, Am I better than my brother/sister at this. Therefore, it is best for parents to avoid directly comparing their children to each other. Ask parents to comment on the gifts and uniqueness of their children apart from their siblings. For example, while it’s good to say, Jane is great at football and David is a piano magician! it is not good to say that Jane is better than David at football, and David kicks Jane but in music.
Countering feelings of jealousy: Jealousy is often at the heart of sibling rivalry. If an older sibling is jealous of a younger sibling, ask the parent to try the following techniques:
1. Help the child to verbalize his feelings.
When children are able to verbalize their feelings, they are much better equipped to (a) understand them and (b) deal with them. However, verbalizing feelings is not a simple process for children. For example, can you imagine a child saying? Mom, Dad, I’ve been feeling a little neglected and anxious since my little brother arrived and could really use a little more attention. Specifically, I wish we spent more one-on-one time playing games together like we used to. YES INDEED! Children are much more likely to express their frustrations. Only through practice and coaching can a child learn to verbally describe their emotions and needs.
2. Pay attention to the good and the good, ignore the bad.
Children want attention, and even if it seems retrograde, bad attention is better than no attention at all. Therefore, a good way for parents to improve a child’s behavior is to deal with good and good behaviors and ignore bad ones.
For example, if your child behaves well when he puts his shoes on, tell him: Thank you, honey. I am very proud of the quality with which you act by quietly putting on your shoes when asked to do so. If your child is misbehaving while making a fuss, ignore the behavior, don’t give it any more attention.
3. Show the child the privileges of age.
All adults recognize that age has its privileges, but children don’t always see it that way, especially when there’s a baby getting a lot of attention. A good technique to suggest to parents is to have them remind seniors of all the privileges of age. What do they get because they are older? If they don’t get a lot, give them some! Also, a great privilege of being an older brother is being able to hold and care for a baby who will always look up to his big brother or sister.
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