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Spray Tanning: An Interesting and Intimate Experience!

As I got older (and bigger), I came to one conclusion: fat looks better in the dark! Therefore, as summer approaches, I get nervous about wearing my shorts (let alone my bathing suit!). With all the dangers associated with tanning beds, I decided to give a spray tan a try. If you’ve never had a spray tan, live vicariously through me and then decide!

Step One: Call ahead to schedule an appointment. Decide when to go based on what time the store is least busy (as if not everyone knows the tan is fake).

Step Two: The “tan technician” tells me to exfoliate and not use lotions or makeup.

Third step: Decide to bathe just before the appointment. Exfoliate.

Fourth step: get out of the tub.

Step Five: Realize you have significant HAIR (down and around the areas that will be spray tanned) and get back into the tub.

Step Six: Shave the places you can’t see. I am impressed with my ability to stretch and bend like a pretzel. I wonder if there’s enough hair to donate to Locks of Love.

Step Seven: I wonder if what my two-year-old daughter just witnessed will mark her for life.

Step Eight: Go to the tanning salon without lotion or makeup (resist the urge to itch immediately after shaving and experience a new “hairless back”.

Step 9: Act like I’m not uncomfortable while I strip down to my thong underwear. Feeling good about the decision to shave (places there).

Step Ten: Put on a silly shower cap.

Step Eleven: Try not to make eye contact with the “spray tan lady” because spraying someone else naked is awkward enough.

Step Twelve: Tap inside quietly as she doesn’t ask me to “bend over” to spray the crack (I don’t mind the white tan line!).

Step 13: I wonder if the “tan technician” thinks the stretch marks and veins on my back are a real card.

Fourteenth step: Pretend you don’t notice that it has to go over your buttocks about 5 times (while all other areas have taken it once).

Step 15: Pretend it’s okay as you pull your legs up to make sure there are no “bikini line” tan lines.

Step 16: Let the material dry. Hop on board when it’s time to dry off and dance in the mirror in a shower cap after the tan lady leaves the room.

Step Seventeen: Get out of the tanning room and pretend that the tanning girl and I are probably married in some country (considering the things she saw!)

Step Eighteen: Replace all of the tanning solutions on the shelves that my two-year-old took apart.

Step Nineteen: Remove “palm tree” tan stickers from my daughter’s hair (and other body parts).

Step 20: Look in the mirror and think again: “Yes, even fat women look better tanned!” »

Step twenty-one: Look fabulous with a sun-safe spray tan!

Step Twenty-Second: Tell everyone about my experience and definitely encourage them to experience the same things I did!

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