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Relationships’ Most Powerful Secret – Guaranteed Success
Without a doubt, the most valuable and practical thing I’ve learned about the psychology of relationships and how they work came about 12 months ago when I was introduced to Transactional Analysis. I suggest that if you study this and acquire the skill, you can’t fail to improve your most emotional relationships.
Now imagine that you are in a situation of conflict with someone you love, or conversely, with someone you can’t stand. It’s an emotional situation; you’re both at the height of a fever. Who gives in? No one does in this kind of situation. And that’s the problem. You usually never go anywhere in an emotionally charged atmosphere. At least one person loses and sometimes both parties lose.
This is the purpose of Transactional Analysis. It’s just about understanding the basics of “adult” versus “child” behavior – be clear about this though; the terms “adult” and “child” have absolutely nothing to do with a person’s age. It is maturity. Have you ever noticed a 14 year old who seems more down to earth and more mature than a 60 year old? It happens.
The basic principle is as follows: when you choose communicate only via the “adult” mode of communication, no matter how the other person communicates, you force maturity into the dialogue, but with complete respect for the other party. Typically, an emotional conversation sees both parties “parenting” the other’s “child side” – the injured child in each of us. In this way, the two get offended because no one enjoys being “parented”, especially grown adults. It becomes a vicious circle with both parents taking turns, only to be offended by the other for being treated like children.
The “adult” mode of communicating and acting, on the other hand, is represented by behavior realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable and logical. This means you won’t get everything you want, but you’ll be able to keep a discussion on track and negotiate a win-win outcome in most, if not all, situations. When the other party sees you behaving this way, with respect, they can’t help but reciprocate because all defenses are down. Both parties should then be able to achieve what is important to them, as much as possible, while finding a middle ground for the other.
I advise young people to do this with their parents, especially when the parents get emotional and want to assert their authority in a bossy (not bossy) way. They should deal with it and try to be realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable and logical. They will in fact influence their parents through basic respect, weakening the emotional mood. Of course, this is how parents should treat their young children as well, especially since teenagers seem to command respect, even if (due to their behavior) it’s not really deserved. For both parties, it’s wise to behave this way, not only for the relationship, but also for your own inner peace and sanity. There’s just no need for all the stress.
The truth is this: no adult behaves like an adult all the time – all adults sometimes behave like children. And while it’s hard for teenagers to behave like adults, it’s not impossible. Respect goes a long way, and my experience suggests that consistent, respectful parenting works wonders.
It’s the same with labor relations. If you feel your blood starting to boil or your heart racing with adrenaline when a particular person approaches you, take heart and try to be realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable and logical, no matter how they interact with you. Be consistent and don’t give up. Over days, weeks, and months of this unresponsive behavior, you will eventually see a change in how this person interacts with you. You might be bullied or harassed, but you can regain some control and power just by being more “adult”. This is very enriching information and a great skill to develop.
It takes courage to try it, reject your feelings instead of keeping control of your emotions and keeping your ability to think effectively, and it also takes perseverance to master. To really master it, it takes years, but you don’t have time to waste getting started.
Here is the standard advice I would give to a teenager trying to implement this better relationship with parents:
On mistakes and forgiveness…
© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved worldwide.
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