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Internet Dating Tips Especially for Women
The ad reads… “swm/sbm is looking for a swf/sbf (35 – 45 years old) for LTR. I am good looking, fit, smart, have a sense of humor and honest. I am a 45 year old corporate executive who is divorced and looking for a partner. I have a son who is the love of my life. You must be fit and active; a non-smoker and the kids are fine. No professionals please please.
For you beginners, swm/sbm and swf/sbf mean single white male, single black male and single white female and single black female. He is looking for a long term relationship (LTR). For clarification, “no professionals please” means not interested in receiving responses from someone who is paid to provide illicit services. No “pros”.
It’s a decent ad and pretty well written. It tells the reader that this man is obviously not new to trying to find a mate through this medium. Her desire for a long-term relationship and not just dating would be a boost for this personal announcement. You also know what he thinks of his son, smoking and a healthy lifestyle. You are now faced with an important decision: Do I respond to this ad?
By all means, respond to this ad if and only if: You meet all of its requirements. Be totally honest with yourself about who you really are as a woman. Never, ever, ever lie about yourself. It will only backfire and it means you are insecure, unhappy and dislike yourself. Do not respond to any personal ads until you have resolved your personal issues regarding your true worth. If you know you have more than 20 pounds to lose, don’t answer. If you smoke a cigarette a week, don’t answer. If you are separated and not yet divorced, do not respond. If you are under 35 and over 45, do not answer. And of course, if you demand payment from him, without any stretch of the imagination, you shouldn’t respond to that ad.
You meet all of his requirements and you respond with interest and tell the truth about who you are. What happens next? If he is the gentleman he introduced himself to, he will ask you to exchange email addresses and you will have the opportunity to get to know each other better over email. This exchange will tell you so much about the other. You will discover your true level of intelligence in the way you write or don’t write. You will have the computer screen in front of you as a safety feature so you can express yourself openly and hopefully honestly. You will save these emails for reference if needed as evidence of any misrepresentations made in the past. I caution you not to use this information accusatory but for a frame of reference. (Don’t forget it has your email too.) If it’s needed at some point, you can use it to end a relationship that’s going nowhere due to fabrications.
How long do you exchange e-mails? It’s up to you two. Your next move is one of two actions. You can exchange home phone numbers or arrange to meet. I totally advise against meeting him at this stage and I am against the woman giving her phone number. I’m also not in favor of months and months of emails and phone conversations. The meeting should be the biggest final step and should not be postponed. Many discovered that there was physical chemistry long before they met and only after the meeting to have no chemistry between them. Some would say a photo swap, also known as; “photos” would be an appropriate step after the initial email. Of course it’s up to you two, but I don’t agree with that because I really believe in unconditional acceptance. Wait, now! Listen to me carefully and if you are not convinced by my point of view, you still have your way of doing things. Yes, physical characteristics are important. If it has been determined that neither of you have a physical and/or emotional disability, then the physical shouldn’t be that important. Important features are durable and not superficial, temporary and fade over time. These should be of utmost importance to a mature person.
Helen Keller said, “The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart. Why not try this for a change? Look at someone with your heart and see them through God’s eyes. If after the meeting you find that the person’s nostrils are where the eye sockets should be, well, you have good reason to apologize and walk away.
Alright, what’s the next step? I recommend the gentleman give the lady his home phone number, not his cell phone, pager, or work number. You are the most physically vulnerable and you are still getting to know it. Also, he’s divorced and lives alone and shouldn’t put up any resistance unless he doesn’t have a landline. You have heard the sound of each other’s voice and the conversation is flowing easily between you. Now is the time to arrange a face-to-face meeting. (You didn’t swap photos because this writer persuaded you not to.) You want to be accepted at face value and gauge for yourself his reaction to you and likewise he has the same opportunity.
Arrange to meet, only after you; the woman has decided that you are comfortable doing it. Do not be coerced or coerced into meeting this man or any other unless it is your decision. Before you meet him, make sure you have gathered some personal information about Mr. Business Executive. You want to know where he works, the general area where he lives. You also have his phone numbers and have spoken to him at all numbers including at work. You learned the make and model of car he drives and the color. If you can figure out a clever way to get the license plate number, do it. Give these credentials to a close friend for safekeeping. When you decide to meet him, do it in a very public place and during the day. I am against meeting for meals in the initial meeting. I recommend going Dutch on spending. This doesn’t need to be agreed in advance, but you should be adamant about paying your check, even for a cup of coffee. You won’t feel guilty about anything, especially if he buys you a cup of coffee. I highly recommend Barnes and Noble Booksellers or a similar establishment. (If there’s no chemistry, you can always grab a cup of java, browse topics of interest, or buy a magazine or book.) Let’s be optimistic! You corresponded and “chatted” for about a month and enjoyed the conversations, thought processes and made each other laugh. You are attracted to each other on some level and you can’t wait to meet him.
You are filled with mixed emotions. There is nervous excitement in the pit of your stomach, but the day has come and you arrive early just to see if you can choose him based on your limited knowledge of him. Your knowledge is limited, but believe it or not, you’ve communicated more in the last month than many married couples in the last six months! (That’s another article.) You arrived alone and be sure to leave alone. If you got on well and arranged to meet again, that’s great! If you’ve decided not to pursue a relationship of any kind, that’s fine too. I recommend being upfront, open, and direct about not seeing or corresponding after deciding not to pursue a relationship. There’s no point in either of you being left in limbo. He’s a gentleman and you’re a lady! You are just not for each other.
As you have determined, I am not against responding to personal ads found on reputable sites or in newspapers. I recommend caution and this cautious approach for both women and men. I know many who have met via the Internet and who are married and raising children. I also know some unfortunate situations. Overall, I think as the world changes, so will the ways in which we will meet and bond. We can use his infinite wisdom and let him guide us or do it ourselves and become another unfortunate situation.
More about this author and a retreat for women… http://aweandsome.com/
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