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The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1
Have you ever heard that saying, “The show must go on”? When you hear it, you think of what is commonly called “Show biz”, don’t you? But where can you go to see the best acting money money can buy, any day of the week? No, I’m not talking about theater or TV. I’m talking about the “Restaurant-biz”. Waiters, bartenders, hostesses and restaurateurs act on a daily basis. Their performance is crucial! Every move, every word, every bite is an integral part of the restaurateur’s experience, and any of those parts, if not right, could lead the restaurateur to, well, go for it.
Many restaurant owners held their breath as they went to the page of the local restaurant reviewer (probably some pompous, pretentious old windbag) to see what he or she had to say about their establishment. This writing has the power to make or break a restaurant, especially a private restaurant. Unfortunately, the only reviews a server can give are given behind a kitchen door, in a server’s station, or over a beer (or more) at the end of a shift. Well, the food critic held the pen too long! Now is the time for the server to speak up and criticize the client for a change!
As a former member of the exclusive club known as the Restaurant Industry, I am about to attempt a categorization of several different types of customers. This will be the first installment of a series that I like to call “The Restaurant Chronicles”. In this Part 1, I will begin a labeling process that will hopefully serve as both comic relief for others in our distinguished field, and also to enlighten those who may unknowingly belong to one (or more) of the following groups. Let’s see, where to start?
The Chatty-Cathy: This breed of customer is more interested in chatting and/or chatting with friends or colleagues than ordering or eating food. He or she is content for the waiter to stand and wait while he or she ends the conversation. This client will ignore the server each time it comes back and ask if a refill or other service is needed. If the server has to ask the question repeatedly, that client will often give a dirty look or make a sarcastic comment.
The Cell Phone Addict: This lonely soul can’t seem to put his cell phone down long enough to even order. They insist on pointing at menu items and asking their server to guess their order instead of just putting down their phone and talking.
The Sally: If you’ve seen the movie When Harry Met Sally, you’ve seen a frighteningly realistic example of the high-maintenance guest. This person says something like, “I’ll have that roast turkey sandwich, except can I get it with mustard instead of mayonnaise?” Actually, can I have a bit of both on the side, and, uh, no tomatoes? Do you have rye bread? Could you grill them? And could I have a mixed green salad instead of the pasta salad, but with ranch… I don’t like that dressing you’re using. Do you think I could have a coke instead of this tea? It has a funny taste. Although they speak in sentences that sound like questions, an experienced server recognizes them for what they really are, demands.
The Dummy: This simple creature manages to find its way to the restaurant, though it’s hard to imagine how. They enter through a door just below a giant neon sign, flashing the word “OPEN”, and ask, with a blank look on their faces, “Are you guys open?” The menu might have the word, in big letters, BREAKFAST on the cover, and they’ll ask, “Do you serve breakfast?” This client is teaching his server the art of patience, as it’s almost impossible not to sarcastically answer such dumb questions.
The Merry Mommy Club: This group of pretty ladies and their adorable children is always a treat, if your idea of a treat is to get over small children, while maneuvering large, heavy trays of hot food and liquids without losing your balance, as they run under your feet. This species of diner loves to sit for hours and hours chatting, as they only consume small side dishes and sip gallons of decaffeinated coffee, or every waiter’s favorite hot tea! They squeal in babynais and participate in the game “My baby can do that…”. They are also notorious for their lack of observational skills, as their older children compete to create a virtual “obstacle course” for servers and other guests by climbing tables, running behind the counter and other miscellaneous activities.
Well, that wraps up Restaurant Chronicles Part 1, but never fear, my wonderful readers! I plan to continue my exploration of this fascinating creature, known as the restaurant, in part 2. So please come back and learn more about this interesting, exciting, and often just plain weird business that we restaurant folks affectionately call, Well… our job.
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