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A Day in the Life of a Zombie Nurse
I knew nursing school would be tough, and I was willing to sacrifice my sleep to graduate. I came to class looking like something from the living dead. I made it through the tough times in nursing school because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and there was. But damn it, can we turn off the light sometimes and just spend the night?
Well, as you understand by now, I’m a zombie nurse. I graduated 6 years ago and work on a busy medical floor. 12 hour shifts are the norm and I work mine three times in a row. I guess you could say, I’m a glutton for punishment, and you’d be right. Many nurses choose to break up their shifts throughout the week so they aren’t as tired. But I? Nah, I’m an irreducible. I guess if I’m already working, I might as well keep going until I’m done and then enjoy being away for four days. My boss thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll never admit she’s right about that, because she already thinks she’s Einstein’s ghost.
My day starts at ridiculous hours. I’ve already slammed the alarm clock three times, but it won’t shut up. It’s like Groundhog Day. It’s so early that the bats are still up and flying. I open my eyes again, only to realize that I’ve slept through the last nap, and have one minute and thirty seconds to shower, get dressed, eat, make coffee, and go to the gym. work in the car… it’s too stupid! I swear, then roll my butt out of bed, swearing and swearing that I’ll be smarter tonight and go to bed earlier, so I can get up easily the next day. But that never happens. I am such a liar!
I take a freezing shower to wake up my lazy cells, then thank God and WonderWink for getting to work in my pajamas. Man, I love my scrubs. I run downstairs, open the fridge and grab an unrecognizable piece of moldy fruit? (or something like that) and I don’t have time for coffee. Yeah, I hate my life now.
I look like Dog-doo because I have no makeup. Maybe that suits some nurses. You know, the naturally fabulous ones at 6 a.m., but not my ugly ass. I look like I’ve been dragged back into a bush, and it never fails. Nobody can keep quiet about my appearance at work. It should be “hey, you don’t seem to be feeling well” or “wow, you look tired”. Yes, I’m tired, and no, I’m not sick, I’m just horribly ugly without my Estee Lauder Halloween mask.
Trying to eat breakfast while listening to the report is a challenge, even for me. Now I have a strong stomach, but why does every one of my patients have to have all the poo, vomit and pus issues? I listen as I gag my half-rotten banana down my throat and envy someone else’s McDonald’s. Everyone seems so much more organized and fresh. I can barely keep my eyes open to listen to the report. I feel like I made Mrs. Nurse say, “I want to get the hell out of here.” to report to me, because she reports like she’s Speedy Gonzales, and she keeps hastily saying “It’s on file” when I ask questions. Gawd, it’s gonna be a long day.
I feel like I’ve run a marathon, and it’s only 7:30. Time flies when you’re having fun! Drug reviews and successes don’t sound too bad, do they? Haha, wrong. All my patients are shipwrecked today, under a million and one drugs, and we don’t have half of them. It’s time for the pharmacy call, and now I’m doing the zombie chant, “I love my job, I love my job.” out loud.
I’m already dreaming about bedtime, but I’m finishing my assessments without too much trouble. Well, except for the nice crazy old lady who keeps asking me to find her socks (when she has them both). The patient next to her thinks the Mafia is plotting to kill him and Mr. Gross, who keeps asking me to bathe him in bed. Tell me why I became a nurse again?
I’m finishing my morning mapping and I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall. If I don’t get large amounts of heavily caffeinated coffee, I’ll be on the floor. It’s time to take a quick trip to the cafeteria to grab some. Ah, what do you know? They do, but he’s so old and strong he’s ready to push his legs and walk on his own. What the hell, I need coffee! So I pay their millions of dollars for a big coffee and head upstairs for more “Nightmare on Elm Street,” with my boss as Freddie Krueger.
She’s hell on wheels today, as she is most of the time. She’s sitting at the desk barking orders at us, and she hasn’t a clue what the real nurse is. The only time she rises from the dead to help out is when the Joint Commission is here, and she suddenly becomes Nancy Nurse and has everyone recite the mission statement.
While I was gone, one of my patients fell out of bed, trying to run away from the mafia this guy came to visit. All I can think of is more paperwork. The patient is fine, but I’ve got a hundred years of paperwork now. As I begin to work on the book I am to write, a family member of another patient comes to visit. She wants to talk to me, so I stop what I’m doing and rush into the patient’s room. She tells me she’s not a nurse and says, “I’m not trying to do your job, but a friend of mine works in a nursing home and she’s doing something medical. She said my mom was taking too many antibiotics. and that she’s the wrong type.” Hmmm really? At that point, I reached my boiling point, but I still try to be nice. “Well, let me check that and I’ll get back to you.” I say happily, mumbling under my breath as I walk away.
8 hours pass, and I’m still flying like a witch on her broomstick. My mapping is still not complete and I am falling behind with every step I take. One of the good things about being a nurse is that time flies so fast because you never get any fresh air.
At the end of each day, my bladder hurts from the need to urinate. I think I could win a pee-holding contest hands down! I am a beast! My stomach rumbles from the lack of food and this day quickly feels like tales from the crypt. All I can think of is getting out of the dodge. But overtime quickly becomes a haunting possibility. When will this end?
I manage to complete my paperwork, and my patients are finally happy (for now). Would it really be over? My relief comes, and I run into his arms like a corny love affair. I’m glad it’s over for today. I can go home. Yay! I run to my car, noticing it’s a full moon outside, even though I could have told you without looking. I get in my car, start my engine and breathe a sigh of total relief. I look in the rearview mirror and jump in fear. There is a scary monster watching me. Oh wait, that’s just me after the 12 hour shift from hell.
When I get home, I think back to my day. I realize I’m a wreck, but in a good way. I wouldn’t take anything for the witches I work with and the little demons I occasionally encounter. I love my life as a nurse and I wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world. It might be crazy, but it’s my life and I love being a zombie nurse. Maybe I’ll resign myself to sleeping when I’m dead.
This is dedicated to all my zombie nursing friends around the world. Happy Halloween Zombie Nurses! You are totally awesome!
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