How Long Should A 1 Year Old Cry It Out Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes

I’m always looking for a woman with a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo and I think, okay, here’s a girl who can make a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)

I did gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You’re talking about a waiting room in Darwin. There are men in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

LA is so celebrity-conscious that there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson—and when he gets there, they tell him he’ll have to wait ten minutes. (Bill Maher) Funny quotes. Lyrics. Quotations.

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had a huge party, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

There’s always one uncle of mine who watches a boxing match with me and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, that’s the kind of money I’d fight him.” As if anyone would pay $200 for a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)

If I ever have twins, I would use them as parts. (Steven Wright)

My wife and I took out life insurance on each other – so now it’s just a matter of waiting. (Bill Dwyer)

Famous quotes

My sister was with two men in one night. He could barely walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)

I know a guy who called the Home Shopping Network. They said “Can I help you?” and he said “No, I’m just looking.” (George Miller)

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England so the other could drive. (Steven Wright)

A father explains ethics to his son, who is starting a business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up and give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But when she goes out the door, you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Here’s the ethics : should you tell your partner or not? (Henny Youngman)

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