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Restless Med Syndrome

I just finished watching TV and after a series of commercials advertising the hundreds of millions of drugs that can be bought and the hundreds of millions of conditions that we humans can suffer from, I don’t know where to start. over to CVS pharmacy, mortgage on my house and buy everything from 3 to 10 or just kill myself. Plus, these commercials are so full of hilarious cartoon characters or the deep voices of some of my favorite actors (damn, James Earl Jones, I’m not going through depression), I’m about as sold on Mucinex as a pair of NIKES ads to me during the NBA playoffs.

The only thing these commercials make me believe is that I’m actually dying. There are many ways to look at life. Rabbis, priests, imams, and Tom Cruise all have advice on how to look at life. I am a pessimist and/or a Jew. I believe that since we are all born, we are on the path of dying, or have begun to die. For some, death can be a slow process, and this person will live a beautiful, long, healthy, hundred years. Others are not so lucky. However, the one thing I have vowed not to do is live my life as if I were dying, even if science and my dwindling brain cells tell me otherwise. Simply put, I want to live as if I were.

First, let me say that I believe that advances in medicine have produced life-saving and/or life-changing drugs that have improved the lives of most, if not all of us, and that we should continue to fund scientific research and study in the field of medicine. When prescribed by your doctor and taken properly, many of us have found various medications to help us get through the day, fight off illnesses, and possibly even eradicate a disease we may be suffering from. However, when economics is intertwined with health and wellness, my legs get extremely restless. Let’s stop and think about restless leg syndrome. Does such a syndrome even exist? Does it exist if a little yellow cartoon character on TV tells me that? Is it a serious condition if I write restless leg syndrome in all capital letters? And if it’s a real syndrome, can’t it be cured by just saying, I don’t know, I’m going to get off the damn couch and get ready for this… walk? In fact, the pharmaceutical industry is a multi-billion dollar economic system in the United States, and its lobbyists are the most powerful in our country, second only to perhaps the only thing we are terribly addicted to: oil.

I’m no expert in economics, but I’m sure the drug companies want us to be addicted to their drugs. If we could get Lexipro or Viagra in our car instead of oil, so much the better. And therein lies one of the main problems of our society. Where is the line between the drugs we need and the drugs we sell that we really can’t live without and that only serve to line the pockets of Pfizer and Merck? We need to figure this out so I don’t get stressed out and need another Xanax prescription. Just turn on the TV, or check your junk folder in your e-mail inbox, or flip through any magazine on the newsstand, and it will let you know through various advertisements that you “suffer” not only from restless legs syndrome, but from a number of allergies, toes – nail fungus, depression, suppression, obsession, ADD, ADHD, overactive bladder, irritable bowel syndrome, prostatitis and erectile dysfunction to name a few. My questions, and perhaps yours, are: Which conditions are real and require medication? Which conditions are real and don’t require medication, but can be cured by leaving the house, exercising, walking in the park or with a girlfriend (ED or are you just single)?

Finally, which conditions are literally created by the clever marketing managers of the pharmaceutical companies and do not actually exist, but are designed not only to make us believe that a) they are really real and possibly life-threatening, b) it is likely that you are currently suffering from them, as you read this article, and c) should we be administering various expensive pills to treat said symptom(s)? These issues are of great concern, both to our pocketbooks and to our livers. But I do agree with the pharmaceutical companies on one thing: when I’m on a date at a nice Italian restaurant and suddenly have a terrible case of irritable bowel syndrome, it’s usually followed by an equally terrible case of erections. also dysfunction. But the reality is that this usually results in my date being dropped off early and a potential romantic date being awkwardly cut short. Yet once I’m home and I’m relieved, it’s all systems go and I feel healthy, youthful, and all alone with only fourteen bottles of pills and a Mucinex commercial telling me not to blow my nose, but to take a pill , which together removes mucus. If only there was a second date pill. If you have consciously or subconsciously decided to believe any or all of the conditions we hear about in commercials or read about in magazine ads and therefore heal yourself accordingly, I sincerely hope you seize the potential or the thirty seconds. side effects at the end of these advertisements. “This drug can cause dry mouth, pain, diarrhea, irritability, insomnia, and possibly death.” Kidding me?

So now if I take the advertised drug I will probably experience the side effects and probably would have rather just suffered from the initial condition. If I take the drug and suffer side effects, will I need to take several other medications to treat the side effects? I know one thing for sure. The big pharmaceutical companies are hoping for the latter. I just want that second date, thanks IBS. My last question is, why am I the one being advertised about the drugs? I’m just a guy trying to watch my favorite reality show when a commercial asks me how many times I run to the bathroom and how many hours I sleep (questions that, by the way, cause anxiety, another condition that gets me treated for a line with medication). I mean, I’m the most qualified to decide if my legs are restless, my bowels are irritable, or my erection isn’t working (okay, maybe I’m the most qualified for the latter). But isn’t that why I go to my doctor?

It makes little sense to me why pharmaceutical companies would skip the doctor and advertise directly to consumers as if I had completed medical school, an externship, a residency at Cedar Sinai Hospital, and been practicing medicine for years. Hell, I’m not even a production assistant on Grey’s Anatomy, although I know where to score marijuana, which otherwise has few side effects other than paranoia and hours of watching TV and, again, probably no dates. In conclusion, thinking about all this reminded me again of what I already know: we are all dying. But why can’t Pfizer, Watson and Merck keep it alive? I urge everyone to think twice and consult their doctor before taking anything because side effects lead to more drugs, which lead to more side effects, which lead to more drugs, and so on and so forth like a snake eating its tail. You know what, thinking about it all gave me a headache. Now I have to end this, take a couple of Tylenol, down a Mucinex to stop the sniffles, and inject a Viagra to see if I can make it to the second date.

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