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Parenting with Emotional Intelligence – 10 Tips to Nurture Self-Pride in Your Child
Imagine that we all come into the world with a golden ball that is our life partner and bounces and sparkles next to us throughout our lives. As we grow, the light on our golden ball grows brighter as our self-esteem blossoms. Through the messages we give to our children, we decide how brightly their golden balls shine. They can fade or grow brighter as our loved ones become proud of their competence. A wonderful consequence of nurturing pride is strong self-esteem.
These ten tips will help your kids or challenging loved ones grow and become even cuter:
- Praise even small collaborations. They will glow with a sense of appreciation.
- Encourage them in their new experiences and challenges with “I believe in you” messages. There will be a glowing feeling that they are trusted to solve it.
- Give age and stage appropriate freedom and choice. They will glow with a sense of independence and possibility.
- Listen with your silence and respond without judgment. They will glow with self-esteem.
- Set clear, fair and positive guidelines and limits. They will glow with a sense of security.
- Let your loved ones see your faults and weaknesses. They will glow with self-acceptance.
- Develop your values for your children by living them openly. They will shine with a sense of direction.
- Smile and hug often and to your heart’s content. They will shine with a happy heart and relationship.
- Respect their uniqueness, specialness and individuality. They will shine with creativity.
- Help them discover what makes them proud of themselves. Ask them to tell you what they are proud of you.They will shine with emotional intelligence.
Action Step: Bring out a sense of pride in your challenging loved one~
For the next week, plan a daily opportunity to say, “I’m so proud of you!” Honesty is paramount. Only say it if you’re really proud. Say it with feeling. Be smiling. Be amazed. But be yourself and say “I’m SO proud of you because — – —–!” It can even be about the smallest performance. And when you start really looking, pride isn’t hard to find.
Find out what works: After a few days, ask yourself the following questions:
- Were my “statements of pride” novels enough to hold the attention of my child, student, or other challenging loved one?
- Has there been a noticeable change in behavior?
- In what other circumstances or situations can I continue to nurture pride?
My 39-year-old client Peter, who has Asperger’s syndrome, is quite charming and social, but experienced constant rejection in social settings because he would monopolize the conversation with his two favorite questions. Peter was fascinated by whales and loved new audiences to research the same factual questions: “How many species of whales are there in the world?” and “Which oceans do they live in?” Most people don’t know or care about the answer, so Peter found himself sitting alone and alienated in a five-minute room. It didn’t matter that he already knew the answers to these questions, which were a lifelong fixation.
We developed a strategy to get Peter to deflect the question and instead say, “Oh! You have the answer to that question, don’t you?” What makes the strategy successful is that immediately after he stops, so as not to slip into repetitive questioning, it is important that Peter hears (from the supportive adult) his favorite phrase of praise: “I am so proud of you!” Finally, Péter began to catch himself before the signal. It’s especially important to notice and acknowledge this kind of spontaneous behavioral improvement with a more specific statement of praise, such as, “I’m proud of you for stopping yourself!” or “I’m proud of you for remembering not to ask that question while you were at the dance!”
Remember that our challenging loved ones are all unique. Find your own unique way to adapt these tips.
Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2001, 2005. All rights reserved. Golden Ball of Self-Esteem Inspired by Jon Kabat Zinn, Author of “Wherever You Go, There You Are” “Golden Ball”.
Feel free to share or reprint this article as long as it remains as written with all contact and copyright information and a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com.
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