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How to Cope When Your Child is Totally Irrational – Replace Tantrums With Understanding
The “terrible twos” or toddler tantrums are familiar to most parents. As a young child develops, restraint is a difficult habit to acquire and demonstrate regularly. Every parent has experienced that moment when their child “falls over the edge!” How adults react to such emotional outbursts helps the child develop self-control and regulate his emotions better.
o Young children want their needs met “now”; their tears dried “now”; an argument about toys or a disappointment that is fixed “now”; their choice to take precedence over housework or other family preparations!
o When parents are talking to a stranger, children cannot stop themselves from interrupting, even if they are asked to wait.
o Children may react quite differently in the presence of a stranger or a babysitter than during predictable daily routines with a parent. Severe anxieties can see a child react without thought or physical restraint. A normally happy child now reacts aggressively, sullenly or dissolves into emotional tears.
o When the day is less predictable, it is even more difficult to invite the child to restrain.
There are many things in normal day-to-day family life that suddenly make the day less predictable. This is how we find
A child shows sudden anger over something seemingly senseless, such as a small apple peel left on an apple:
The child looks aggressive and indifferent with the little friend, while moments before they were playing in harmony.
The child laughs and suddenly turns to tears.
Anxiety and loss of control are sure to increase when children are tired or when they find themselves in a new or strange situation. In both situations, the normal safety anchor is not so firmly attached to the child. They definitely need a parent’s support. They must also take responsibility for their actions. So if they miss out on something because of a tantrum, then so be it.
However, when children are given the opportunity to practice self-control, they learn to wait their turn, delay others, and keep their emotions in check more regularly.
It is important to allow and support our children to “practice restraint” in a variety of settings. Children need many opportunities to learn restraint and respect. Along the way, they may often find themselves disappointed or angry with the way things have turned out. They may also be very aware that they have disappointed or upset their parents. Successfully facing change and challenge (and without crushing reproaches or accusations) brings new self-confidence to the child. Children begin to understand and find self-control.
How can a parent support a child to learn restraint?
There is always a connection between parenting that protects children and parenting that enables experiences that allow the child to face risks or challenges successfully. We hate to think that our children might get hurt or feel unhappy. Such feelings are usually transient and not a lifelong blow.
Support the development of friendships, including disagreements
Friendship is not always easy. Disagreements are par for the course. There is really no need to protect the child from normal disagreements between siblings or friends. When maintaining everyday relationships or friendships, trust your child’s ability to connect flexibly with others. Positive interpersonal relationships are built on the ability to communicate positively, solve problems and find alternative solutions, and the ability to show restraint. These should first be modeled and supported at home.
Don’t be afraid to intervene, dictate behavioral boundaries and stick to them.
Pulling a toy from a friend because the child wants it now and isn’t willing to wait or share will end in arguments and tears. Parents’ suggestions about taking turns or offering another toy may not work. At this point, if the child is not obeying, the parent may have to remove the child from play for a few minutes. This can be done firmly and lovingly. DON’T let the tears weaken your parent’s resolve or make you angry. It is important to continue to renegotiate options calmly and objectively, and when all else fails, it may be necessary to end the game period. Then it’s important to think again later, without blaming, what could have been a better option or ways to show restraint.
Model and teach how to be positively reflective and aware of how to act.
Help your child stop and think about the way he behaved or handled the problem and how it affected how he feels and how others react. Reflect on good reactions as well as those that have gone wrong. Let children understand that expectations of our behavior may vary depending on who we are with. The amount of restraint required in different formal and informal settings varies. Thus, we may let a child lie on the floor and cry or scream in frustration at home, but it is not so acceptable on the supermarket floor. Positive reflection is not an opportunity to blame or punish. Let them answer these challenges without negative comments.
Make good choices and think about people’s reactions, kill.
The way we experience events in our world and our reactions to them becomes habitual. Learning to regulate one’s emotions and prevent negative reactions is a natural part of development. A very young child is not expected to be able to contain his emotions. It’s normal to seek support from a parent, get too excited, cry or get angry.
However, even a young child must develop a sense of introspection and must be allowed to suffer the consequences of a choice. Adult thinking or parent-softened consequences should not always dominate and guide choices. Children should learn to take responsibility for their own choices and actions. A child is not ruined for the rest of his life by being momentarily unhappy.
Children face new stresses when they start school. They have to face the pressure of peer differences and friendships. To survive, they retreat from the boundaries of good or bad habits and reactions they learned at home. Parents are partly responsible for these habits.
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