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Rant – Move Over Dennis Miller – I’ve Got Some Things to Say About Health, Fitness and Nutrition

Time to get down to some health, fitness and nutrition stuff. You may not agree with all (or any!) of these, but hopefully they get you thinking!

Rant #1 – Why does everything make us fat or give us cancer?

It seems we can’t eat or drink anything these days without being told it will make us fat or give us cancer.

We try to eat canned tuna to eat less fat and get mercury poisoning. We eat fruits and vegetables for vitamins and fiber, and pesticides cause tumors. We eat chicken and get mad chicken disease and now farm raised salmon has swine flu. Wine is good or bad depending on whether you eat it with cheese or crackers!

What happened to the good old days when we got fat from eating too much pie and got sick from eating too much paint off the walls? Now I hear you can get cancer if you are worried about getting cancer.

Rant #2 – Low Carb Beer

Do beer companies really believe they are selling diet beer? While talking about who has 1 gram less carbs in one tablespoon than the other, they seem to forget that it’s actually the ALCOHOL in their product that makes you fat!

Alcohol not only shuts down fat-burning enzymes, but it also preferentially stores as fat and severely interferes with the body’s production of muscle-building hormones, such as testosterone.

I think “low carb” sounds better than “hydrated”. Then they add caffeine and Gatorade and call it a “performance beer.”

Rant #3 – “Nutrition of the Week” Bandwagon Marketing

did you hear Froot Loops are already healthy because they contain added calcium! They have added calcium because someone decided to add a big bag of chalk to the sugary paste they’re made from. Now you can feed it to your ADD kids with a clear conscience because it is now healthy for them because it has CALCIUM.

I look forward to the day when some clever marketer takes a piece of plain blackboard chalk and sells it as a “Calcium Stir Stick” for your coffee.

I also love it when a product that’s been around for 30 years suddenly claims it’s now “fat free” or “low carb” when it always has been and everyone knows it. “Fat-free” or “low-carb” water is not the revolutionary product it is made out to be.

But it’s really the vitamin companies that proudly jump on the nutrition bandwagon and shout, “See! when their tablets are squeezed so tightly and not absorbed, you can still read the brand mark when they come out the other end (I got it on good authority from a certain Port-o-Potty specialist I know)!

Rant #5 – Making Low Carb Meals Out of Foods That Shouldn’t Be Low Carb

Orange juice should not be low in carbohydrates. I don’t care what they say. If I want low-carb orange juice, I add my own water instead of paying the juice company to add it for me and charging extra for the privilege. That’s all I have to say about that.

Rant #6 – Trying to pass off unhealthy foods as healthy

Pork Rinds Lite – now contains 25% less fat, sodium, cholesterol, lead and cyanide.

Even if you take a token percentage of the bad stuff out of a bad food, it’s still bad food. It’s like buying reduced-fat lard – it’s still lard. It has a better name now. Anyway, it’s so easy to reduce the fat of a portion, if the portion is smaller, what’s the point? Who is going to sit down and eat only 3 cheese doodles?

When I eat a food that I know is bad, I know it’s bad, but sometimes I eat it anyway. I’m not an idiot. I’m not going to sue you for making unhealthy food. No one is putting a gun to my head to eat it. I don’t believe for a second that a slight reduction in the ‘naughtiness’ of a food now somehow makes it ‘healthy’. So please don’t try to sugar coat this delicious junk unless it’s for taste.

Rant #7 – The Amazing Diet Patch

The only way to lose weight with the Diet Patch is to put it in your mouth. ‘I’ve said enough.

Rant #8 – Kneading expensive urine and other supplements

Even today, there are doctors who believe that taking vitamins only leads to expensive urine. They believe that all vitamins and minerals can be obtained through a balanced diet. Unfortunately, the only balanced diet some people get is trying to bring 3 meals to the table in one hand.

Jumping straight to prescribing expensive drugs to mask symptoms for people who are probably just desperate for basic nutrition is the epitome of expensive urine.

And then there’s creatine. You may remember the uproar a few years ago when the “don’t confuse us with the facts” media jumped on a story about the death of some high school wrestlers. They were taking creatine to improve their performance, so it was obviously killing them. Certainly not because they took long steam baths in rubber suits and worked out intensely without drinking enough water to desperately gain weight for a wrestling match. It must have been the horrible nutritional supplement that did it, because no one has ever died of catastrophic dehydration or heat stroke, right?

Let me be clear: there is nothing dangerous about creatine. It is a natural substance that can already be found in the body in quantity. It is found in every piece of meat you eat. The only way creatine can harm you is if someone drops a bucket of it on their feet.

The only time supplements seem to be in the news is when someone says something bad about them, whether it’s true or not.

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