My 2 1 2 Year Old Hits His Baby Sister Disciplining a Kid the Parental-Love Way

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Disciplining a Kid the Parental-Love Way

Is occasional spanking good for children?

Should I be a “free range” parent?

If I have consequences, does that mean I’m withholding love from my child?

It’s November Time According to the cover story, parents are raising too much. I think so, but what should I do instead?

This is just a sampling of what you’ve read in the media and blogs over the past six months. Never in the history of parenting have parents been more confused and blamed. But good news! There is a refreshing answer to this confusion and recrimination.

This answer has been under our noses since the beginning of raising children: it is parental love. Parental love is rarely fully developed. It sounds so old fashioned that we ignore it. But when parents fully realize their love, children are always happy and respectful. Don’t press the delete button now. This isn’t just another crazy therapist rant. See for yourself. Please take a few minutes to read the brief summary below.

Here’s what I discovered after dusting off this “old hat” but potentially powerful parenting resource I call parenting love. And it took forty years and 2,500 customers to come to these proven conclusions that really work.

A child’s basic, basic life need (equal to the need for food) is to feel and believe that “I am good because of who I am inside, not because of my performance” and to avoid “I am bad”. If this belief is formed, you will have a happy, respectful child. And you will feel good. Parents have the right tools to establish the child’s need to believe that “I’m good” by consistently focusing on the good in their child, even under discipline. (OK, it takes training, but it can be done in three weeks.) Discipline (teaching and training) is less effective when parents focus only on behavior. (This is the normal parental focus). But this puts the parenting cart before the horse. The first task of discipline is to focus on feelings and validate them. Here’s the key: validation of feelings makes the child feel that he is “good” in the eyes of the parent (remember that “I am good” is an essential need for the child’s life). Now that “I’m good” behavior change will work better.

This is an overview of what it means to release your love. Now let’s dive into the summary of the discipline, or to put it another way: teaching and training. And always remember the main disciplinary principle: firm, consistent, respectful, setting limits.

Teaching. Part of teaching discipline is to help the child acquire two important pieces of information about how to live: healthy beliefs and acceptable behavior. Beliefs play a central role. They serve as a road map and source of energy to determine children’s behavior. The two basic beliefs to be taught are “I am good” and right and wrong (the child’s guilt system). As these beliefs are formed, parents teach the child to learn appropriate behavior. And here are the parental love guidelines for teaching: use the discussion process (see the next paragraph), avoid judgment, avoid negative comments, be calm, talk no more than 25 percent of the time, and ask as many questions as you can at one time. write a point or two, keep the points short and admit your mistakes. (I bet you already practice at least two or three of these.)

All parenting should begin with the child feeling that their point of view is understood and accepted. Only then can effective problem solving be achieved. This understanding and acceptance part can be accomplished through the following four-step discussion process: Listen, Repeat, Agree and Validate.

“Adam, tell me what happened that made you deal with your anger by hitting your sister.”

“He came into my room and started playing with my Legos. I told him to stop, but he didn’t.” (listens)

Father repeats Adam’s comment without he gives his points and then asks: “Did I understand correctly?” (Repeating)

Father agrees on one thing, although he knows Adam a lot in Sarah’s room, but he bites his tongue on this: “I agree. should be upset because your sister barges into your room.” (Agree)

Then Dad asserts, “I can see you’re fed up with your sister dropping in unannounced. I’d be too.” (Validation)

Now dad turns it around and asks Adam to listen and repeat what dad said. (He doesn’t ask Adam to do the last two steps, agree and validate. Those steps are too complicated for a teenager.) Listening and repeating takes some practice, but eventually even a three-year-old can learn these two steps. Adam and dad now understand each other and are ready to learn a new behavior. It’s part of the training.

Training. The purpose of the training is twofold: to develop in the child (1) healthy behavior and (2) the ability to apply the developed mindset in an instant and choose between right and wrong behavior. One of the basic training tasks is to teach your son or daughter to delay gratification. “I want it my way, now” doesn’t work. Let’s remember again the basic principle of discipline: firm, consistent, respectful, setting limits.

Here is a summary of the must-have training skills:

Always recognize the good at the center of your child all (or at least 90 percent) training exercises, especially during boot camps such as “Learn to Drive”.

Always shape training expectations according to your child’s (1) feelings and thoughts (we’ll put yours aside temporarily), (2) developmental stage, and (3) unique personality (temperament traits). A special warning: don’t automatically train for parenting unless it works for your child.

Use the VT&T training series guaranteed to work almost every time: “V” validates the feelings that cause the child’s behavior, for “T”. teaches why certain behaviors or beliefs are important (75 percent listening, 25 percent speaking – mostly by asking questions), “T” train/establish healthy behavior and beliefs in your child. (It helps if your spouse or a friend cheers your efforts: “Give Vt…” Okay, leave it out. But encouragement helps.)

Set expectations for 98 percent success when training a new behavior. Doesn’t it feel good to be successful right away?

Maintain a calm or near-calm voice and facial expression—no meanness—throughout each workout. (Ninety percent will if you apologize for the 10 percent “I’m only human” error.) Too much anger, too often, is harmful.

Motivation is the training engine that changes behavior: logical consequences, rewards, deprivations. Special warning: Pain is a destructive motivator; skip the penalty. Post 3 x 5 cards with this message in multiple places: Biggest Exercise Motivation Translated into Kid Talk: “I want my mom and dad to accept me no matter what.”

Now you have the basics of what a loving version of discipline looks like. Apply these principles to your family and you too will raise a happy, respectful child.

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