Normal For A 1 Year Old To Hate Diaper Changes Ferrets: Better Than Babies?

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Ferrets: Better Than Babies?

Can’t afford a Lexus? Buy a Honda. No time for delivery? Digiorno. Many times we have to substitute things that we might want. After all, this is not Plato’s world of ideal forms or Mr. Roger’s land of disbelief, this is reality, a place where sometimes you have to settle for second (or third or fourth) best. My wife and I have talked many times about the pros and cons of becoming parents, but we still haven’t agreed: there isn’t enough space, there is too much debt, there isn’t enough income, there isn’t a stable enough job. In addition, there is too much poop, not enough freedom, too much stress, etc. etc. etc. What did we agree on? Well, ferrets, of course. It was a relatively easy decision to make, and it’s easy to make smart comparisons between babies and ferrets. So I wondered: are ferrets legitimate substitutes for babies?

It is clear that the human species has a great physical and psychological drive to reproduce, and this is satisfying for many different reasons. Obviously, a ferret doesn’t evoke exactly the same emotional response in a mother as when she looks at her biological child. You can’t teach your ferret how to play the horn either, and you’ll have the chance to beam with pride when you attend his first concert. No, there are many things a ferret cannot do for you. Still, there are a few things ferrets can help with if you don’t have the money, time, or desire to dive into parenthood. Here’s a list of how ferrets make a reasonable stand for human babies.

1. Babies poop:: Ferret poop

If you just love cleaning up poop, but hate dealing with the average baby’s diapers, flapping legs, and ear-splitting screams, then a ferret might be right for you. Ferrets poop as much or more than human babies, but you don’t have to change diapers, smell their accidents, and never potty train them when they’re older.

2. Babies sleep:: Ferrets sleep

Babies are cute when they’re asleep, but that’s only when they’re awake compared to the infernal spawn. Ferrets are also pure adorable while sleeping. They make a small nest in the laundry, huddle together, stick out their tongues, and reach out into a large U shape. In fact, they’ll actually be cuter when they first wake up. Screams and smells are replaced by yawns and some delightfully precious stretching. Plus, ferrets sleep 16-20 hours a day, which means they’re cute 83% of the time! WOW!

3. Babies need protection:: Ferrets need protection

Much of the satisfaction of being a parent comes from the pride of successfully preventing a less intelligent organism from killing itself. Human infants, being essentially useless tubes of flesh for the first few years of their lives, offer maximum potential in this regard. Sure, babies can kill themselves if they don’t sleep well, but ferrets do pretty suicidal things too. For example, a ferret will eagerly jump to its death from your arms if you don’t restrain it. The ferret will also ingest any number of indigestible, poisonous, and/or dangerous objects if given the opportunity to make their caretakers feel indispensable.

4. Babies Impress Guests:: Ferrets Impress Guests

If you’re like most parents, you probably feel the need to rub your baby in everyone’s face after a minor accomplishment like blowing milk bubbles or saying the letter “H.” Ferrets are also phenomenal at pretending you deserve the rights to be harmed. Party tricks are great, and most ferrets can learn to roll over and/or play dead, which will leave your guests positively tickled with disbelief. Ferrets are constantly begging for treats, jumping at your feet and trying to climb into your arms and lap. Fortunately, this completely selfish behavior is interpreted as a strong emotional bond between pet and owner. “Look,” you might say, “he even licks this ice cream off my nose!” Follow that up with a healthy chuckle and you’ve made your case.

In closing, pet ferrets and biological children are strikingly similar. In the long run, you just can’t beat a human baby with a stick. But when you compare the first five years of parenting you spent in a near-manic state of perpetual sleep deprivation and bickering with your spouse to the five years you spent as a carefree ferret owner, it makes you wonder: Could it be? Are ferrets better than babies?

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