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Losing Friends May Happen When Raising a Child With Sensory Processing Disorder

My child was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder when he was 5 years old. Before that, the doctors told me that he had grown out of screaming and crying when I tried to dress him, and that he was just a picky kid who was slow to move and listen. Five years ago doctors weren’t that familiar with sensory issues or autism spectrum symptoms and just classified my hyper son as ADHD.

Over the years I have learned many things that work for my son. We keep the house down with stimulation, small TV, music or computers. I know he takes time to transition, so we make sure he wakes up really early every day, which means he has to go to bed early every night. Because he takes ADHD medication to get through school, he often doesn’t sleep at night, so in addition to our nightly prayers, he gets melatonin to help him sleep. I know that if he doesn’t sleep well, that morning will be a disaster.

I also know that Jeremy needs a lot of activity, which means that sports are a priority in our house. I’ve talked to the teachers and explained that even though he has the nonchalance that ADHD isn’t the core of his problems, it’s an underdeveloped system that’s still under construction. The problem is in the body, not the brain. Also, he has an auditory processing disorder, so we know he needs to be told things multiple times and we need to get his attention before we speak.

All this awareness took trial and error, and luckily, since we changed his diet, his defiance is mostly gone. It happened in a matter of weeks when the preservatives, high fructose corn syrup were removed and the vitamins were removed from her system. We stopped eating white bread and gave him healthy options. The difference in his behavior was and is noticeable. He can now eat a bunch of candy or chips and he’s off the wall in 15 minutes.

Imagine the complaint we get from an 8-year-old who wants to get candy like his peers. We need to set boundaries and we will discuss it thoroughly. We give him candy or sugar if nothing but outdoor activities are planned. Otherwise, we tell him to live with his behavior and if he can’t control himself and if and when he goes a little crazy when he’s on a sugar high, which can be kind of hyper or irritated and whiny or uncomfortable. The result is never fun.

However, imagine a child who has mostly survived many of these problems. At 8, he can mostly decide how to behave, and when he doesn’t, his mom is there to make sure he apologizes to the kids or parents or whoever. He takes ADHD medication to help with his impulsivity and constant talking, but there are days when he still has to apologize. However, he does not repeat these things over and over again. He finally gets the message usually by taking away the game days. He changes his behavior immediately when he knows he will lose his privileges.

So I guess I understood when I kept hearing our best friends slip up when they talked about the night their families got together and we clearly weren’t invited. This summer it happened over and over and my husband and I explained it off that they are all on the same baseball team or all go to the same school. But then last weekend at Cub Scout camp I realized how mean their boys were to Jeremy! Jeremy told me they told him they didn’t want to play with him. They didn’t give a reason, they just told him to go away.

When we got home I tried to throw us all a Halloween party and mentioned that maybe my friends could mention this to their boys and that whatever I had to do to get Jeremy in line I would. Their response? “We need to talk”.

At first I told them I would talk and emailed them that I was sure Jeremy was hurt because I was hurt that they had stopped dating us and we shouldn’t learn to deal with it. our differences? And yet, no one should be mean despite our challenges. If it were me, I’d go right up to the parent and tell them their kid said inappropriate things, or I’d go right up to the kid and tell them that saying hurtful things won’t win you friends. and then introduce another way to do it. I would have shared with them to come to me if Jeremy said or did something that wasn’t nice.

But no, my friends have decided not to hang out with us unless they have to, and because of that I’m now reassessing whether I want to talk about it or even hang out with them. After all, they heard me share my frustrations trying to figure out my child, and they knew how difficult my daily life was and were there when things got better. And I never dreamed that they would decide to end their meeting because of it, and can’t imagine that they thought this was the right thing to do. And maybe if they had talked to me first, I would have been a little more open to hearing how frustrating it was on their end.

Instead, my husband and I have discussed that some people just cut others off without saying anything about it, even if they are your so-called best friends. They don’t know what it’s like to raise a disabled child and don’t want to deal with it. And even though I’ve told them I’ll talk to them about it, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach and I don’t even want to be around them right now. Maybe in time I’ll realize that they didn’t know how to discuss this with me in the first place, and that they may feel that the kids need to get older before they should play together. But I’ll never understand why a person wouldn’t apologize for their child’s rudeness or meanness. It’s just a different way of dealing with things.

Compassion grows in all of us when we go through trials and challenges and come out the other side. Maybe I’ve had to temporarily lose our best friends so I can be of service to another family going through the same thing. It’s not fun, but maybe that’s part of life when you’re dealing with a kid who’s a little weird.

I found this quote that I thought was a great line:

A true friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

~ Walter Winchell

And it made me realize, maybe they weren’t really friends who would be there through and through. It was the most hurtful thing at all that I thought they were real friends and instead they were just friends of convenience and not committed.

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