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How to Get Your Man Back Part 3 – Why Are You Always Fighting?
Once upon a time, he was Prince Charming – and hung on to your every word.
Now he won’t even look at you. And you fight all the time.
You liked coming home to see your husband.
Now your guts twist as you open the door… and prepare for another night of trying to hurt each other… and get revenge… and score points… with cruel words (and sometimes even worse abuse) .
How do you get him back when your home is a war zone?
Step 1: Use this simple and effective technique.
Find out the real reason why you are fighting
You fight all the time. But why?
Leaving the toilet seat up… and leaving your head out of the toothpaste… and forgetting to take out the trash… and forgetting to buy milk at the store… and wearing old socks… and going out with girls in Hookers-R-Us outfits. .. and having a few too many drinks at the bar… and telling the same old stories… are important (obviously). But are they really worth the knockout, the guts and the grudge match?
If your partner had 1 week to live… would you spend that time arguing about these things?
So why do those little things seem so important now?
Why risk your relationship to fight old, silly battles that aren’t important?
Good question. And when you find the answer, you’re halfway to solving the problem.
How can you find out why you want to kill another?
How about trying the “so?…” technique? Therapists and writers use this tactic to uncover buried emotions. Do you want to try?
Of course you do.
Here’s what you do
- Make an appointment (1 hour should be fine) with your husband to discuss why you are fighting.
- Find a time that works for both of you without distractions.
- Don’t disturb him while he’s watching his favorite show. It’s rude… and he doesn’t appreciate the intrusion.
- Pretend you’re an investigative reporter (or CSI tech or FBI agent) trying to figure out what’s causing the problem.
- It’s all about the truth (not about you or him), so there’s no reason to get emotional (just the facts).
- Ask him to tell you in his own words why he is angry.
- Don’t interrupt… or clarify… or argue… or mock… or resist… or apologize… or get angry… or do anything to stop her flow.
- That’s his story. Let him tell it his way… his perspective… at his own pace.
- There are no right or wrong answers here. Just a feeling. Forget all logic.
- When he explains why he feels a certain way, try to get him to dig deeper… bring up the implications… “so?” or “why?”
Here is an example
He’s sitting at the other end of the couch, and he doesn’t look like you. “Aren’t you ever here when I need you?”
You are relaxed and calm and polite. “Where I am?”
“Talk about stupid things with stupid friends.”
“You neglect me.”
“I deserve more than that.”
“Apparently you can spend more time with them than with me.”
“You think so little of me that you’d rather be anywhere than here with me where you belong.”
He’s digging deep now… and it takes him a while to understand what he’s saying. He has never heard this before. “You clearly have no respect for me.”
“You don’t stay with someone you don’t respect.”
“You leave me…just like my mother did when I was 7.”
Most people would stop there. But you know better. You go on. “So?”
“I can’t survive alone. I’m all alone… and poor… and loved… and homeless… and unwanted… and sick… and no one to protect me. . .”
Then you actually start talking. About important things.
Going out with friends is not a big deal. But being rejected? It’s a whole different ball game. That’s his REAL motivation to fight – he feels like a 3-year-old left alone in the woods to be attacked by wolves.
Forget the toilet seat. Focus on real problems. And reveal them “so?”.
And contact a professional if you notice things you can’t handle. There are no rewards for doing everything alone. If you need professional help… ASK!
Now you know an effective way to reveal the real reasons why you fight. This is like draining a wound. A good first step, but often not enough.
In part 4 of this series, I will tell you how to heal a wound.
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