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Halloween – The Old Fart’s Guide to Trick Or Treat

Picture this: A warm cozy room, an extremely comfortable sofa to yourself, a bar of chocolate, Gin & Tonic mixed just right and dear lord… The hairs on the back of your neck are standing on end – a sure sign that your petrified brain is having a hard time spitting it out. word to complete tonight’s fiendishly tricky crossword puzzle… when all hell breaks loose! A bang on the door, the dogs burst into action, howling as if they’re trying the hell out of hounds – the last magical mouthful of G&T flies out of your hand, soaking the paper and leaving the sofa reeking of alcohol fumes. The nightmare is just beginning.

Because tonight, gentle reader, is All-Hallows-Eve. AKA Halloween or Trick or Treat. Or dress the children in skimpy rags and throw them out into the cold winter night for an hour or two to knock on strangers’ doors and beg for sweets. And if the killjoys do not cough – to threaten them.

‘Give treats or give you tricks. You old fart. OK, I made that last bit up, but you can see them thinking that.

And so, all over the country mums take a trip to Tesco and spend their hard-earned child benefit on barely-there fairy costumes or sexy witch gear and encourage their offspring to roam the streets threateningly demanding sweets. And these little ghosts and beasts and Harry Potters aren’t looking for any old candy. All must get into the spirit of things and lie down with specially prepared “Halloween Treats”. Even Marks and Sparks has specially packaged chocolate and other treats cleverly designed to resemble snot, blood and vomit. And none of this is cheap. Apparently, a large British public now spends more on Halloween night than on Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day. Think about it. We spend nearly twenty million pounds more on throwaway tattoos, mutilated pumpkins and overpriced sweets than we do on celebrating our own mother’s special day. Halloween – £55m: Mother’s Day £37m. Makes you proud to be human.

Fellow old farts – fight back! You still have to jump up and down from your perch like a jack in a box, but if you can convince just one kid that not everyone appreciates his efforts to exorcise the ghost of Stephen King, then we win. Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t ask for your precious free time to be hijacked.

My strategy for tricking caregivers:

Smile happily as if your night is now over when you see the 36th child dressed as a witch/zombie.

Kudos to them for being so original in their plastic capes and vampire teeth.

Tell them they are the best yet and wait until you get the goodies. Close the door. Continue with your crossword puzzle. Or paint the bathroom ceiling or write a new bestseller. After about ten minutes, you may hear a timid knock on the door. (They’ll still think you’re so impressed that you got them something special.) My advice is to wait for the third magical knock. Fortunately, they’ve now wasted at least twenty minutes, and that’s twenty minutes where they haven’t been terrorizing other poor old farts.

Open the door again. Express surprise and joy etc. in their outfit. They are now a little confused, but still willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Go get some goodies. Or rather the bad guys. Yeah. I’ve spent the last month squirreling away coffee cream chocolate and other debris that no one in their right mind wants to eat. When they run out, I turn to my trusty copper can. A handful of these shards wrapped in a bag feels satisfyingly heavy, but will cost you an awful lot less than overpriced sweets. If all else fails, bribe a teenager to stay inside. Yelling “go away” will only lead to an onslaught of deception. A gross “loss” of some six-footer ex-bodyguard turned rock-climbing instructor gets the desired result every time.

If I sound like an old fart, remember that I am. But harmless. On October 31, millions of children will knock on strangers’ doors. Anyone can lurk behind those doors. Now that’s not scary.

It is scary.

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